omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
