Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
