I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
