I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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