i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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