Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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