Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
