I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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