my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
