You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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