Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
