My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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