just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
