When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
