i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I wish there were birth control emojis
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
