The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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