anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just high enough for therapy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
