between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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