how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
