im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
