So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
