Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Your cock deserves a montage
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
