he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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