Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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