you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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