Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have tasted many bathrooms
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
