I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
