fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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