I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
