the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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