I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
