I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think my moral compass just broke
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
