I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
