I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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