areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
