$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
