Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
