Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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