I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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