And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
