I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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