i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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