good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
