Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
