I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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