my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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