I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
