Screwed.edu
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
