Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
