If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
