Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
